Touch and Tea

It is interesting to me how many different perspectives humans have on the idea of touch. I really saw this contrast through our massage therapist guest speaker, and the play "What Happens When".

While it seemed that Elizabeth Robinson was very comfortable, and even wanted to break down barriers that exist in people touching other people, "What Happens When" showed how in a sexualized situation this touching can be very much wanted or unwanted. 

I had a friend in high school who hated to be touched. While it's second nature for some to tap a shoulder to get someone's attention, my friend would always flinch before you even realized what you had done. 

For some touch is comforting, helpful, and always welcome (we all know a "hugger") and for others it is uncomfortable, awkward, and to be avoided at all costs. And of course many of us are in the middle, or our feelings depend on the situation. 

This made me think about how helpful it would be to have a 6th sense to detect whether someone wanted to be touched or not...  Then I realized this 6th sense is called communication. If it were more common to talk about touch I think (I hope) a lot of the cases of sexual assault on college campuses would diminish. On some level, I think many people assume that they have a 6th sense about what other people want. "She wore that top, so she must want it." "He's asking me to coffee so he must want sex." 

I read a great blog post that breaks down the issues of consent into a metaphor about tea.

The blogger says:

“If you’re still struggling, just imagine instead of initiating sex, you’re making them a cup of tea... If you say ‘Hey, would you like a cup of tea?’ and they go ‘Omg f*** yes, I would f***ing LOVE a cup of tea! Thank you!’ then you know they want a cup of tea.

If you say ‘Hey, would you like a cup of tea?’ and they um and ahh and say, ‘I’m not really sure’ then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they don’t drink it then — this is the important bit — don’t make them drink it.

You can’t blame them for you going to the effort of making the tea on the off-chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking it. Just because you made it doesn’t mean you are entitled to watch them drink it.

If they say ‘No thank you’ then don’t make them tea. At all. Don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea, OK? 

If they are unconscious, don’t make them tea. Unconscious people don’t want tea and can’t answer the question “do you want tea” because they are unconscious.

Ok, maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they are now unconscious. You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and  – this is the important bit – don’t make them drink the tea. They said yes then, sure, but unconscious people don’t want tea.

If someone said “yes” to tea around your  house last saturday, that doesn’t mean that they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST WEEK”, or to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST NIGHT”

The whole blog post can be found here: http://rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.com/2015/03/02/consent-not-actually-that-complicated/

Just like we do not possess a 6th sense about whether someone wants a cup of tea or not, we also don't have a 6th sense telling us when someone wants to be touched or not, so what do we do? Just ask!